Why we decided to get 'undivorced"

Eighteen months ago my husband stormed out of the family home saying he wanted a divorce. It wasn’t the first time the subject had come up. We’d been living separate lives for some time and an eventual separation seemed inevitable. Except, as it has turned out, it wasn’t, since nearly two years later we are still no closer to cutting the ties. What we have done instead is joined the ranks of the not-quite-married, or the great “undivorced”, as such people are increasingly referred to. The reasons couples plod along in this unresolved way are as varied and manifold as relationships are complicated. In our case we decided to stay together for the sake of the kids, neither of us brave enough to watch those two small faces crumple as we announced the end the world as they knew it. Then there’s the cash: we are not in negative equity, but nor has the recession been kind. Why use what scant resources we have to line lawyers’ pockets? Finally, at least in my case, I don’t want to admit defeat. So what’s it like, being undivorced? In practice it means my husband spends approximately half his time in the family home – though he rarely stays the night. We have family days together. At half term we all went on a Hallowe’en hunt. We even had a joint summer holiday. We haven’t yet told the children, aged seven and 10, what’s going on. The idea is to wait until my daughter has done her eleven-plus this coming January, rather than rock the boat when stress levels are already running high. It sounds loopy, this limbo land of love, but it’s more common than you might think. Boris Johnson is reported to be living in a flat 100 yards away from his wife, Marina, though he still regularly drops by. The recently separated Courtney Cox and David Arquette announced they are undergoing a period of “trial separation that dates back some time” with a view to “better understand ourselves and the qualities we need in a partner and for our marriage”. Meanwhile Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are reported to be living apart while trying to resolve their differences after just two years of marriage. Though, if the tabloids are to be believed, any kind of resolution will be hampered by his addictions to crack, sex and violence, not to mention escort girls. Some people never move on. The billionaire Warren Buffet remained married to his wife Susan until her death in 2004, all the while living with his girlfriend Astrid Menks; while the artist Willem de Kooning had been separated from his wife for 34 years when she died in 1989. Family lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt sees this kind of thing all the time; the clients who are “stuck in a groove, going around and around,” as she puts it. “There are so many of them, you have no idea,” she says. “They regularly come in over a number of years to talk about what would happen if they took the next step. They are in spasm, stuck.” There are the women too frightened to take the next step: “They feel they need the status of marriage. It’s a huge deal for women aged 40 to 60. There’s a myth in that age group that they will be shunned if they are on their own,” says Lloyd Platt. Then there are those people who like the comfort of calling themselves married while enjoying the freedom of separation. “They are living with the fear that their partner might decide to move things forward without consulting them. The men regularly come in to talk about 'forward planning’. They want to maximise their assets and minimise any payout.” There is also the growing band of what Lloyd Platt refers to as “the what’s-the-point” group. “They have worked out that if you split one household into two, it won’t be as comfortable.” It’s not always so cut-and-dried, though. For Phillip Woods, a 48-year-old IT entrepreneur from Cambridge, the reasons for staying married are both financial and emotional. “I figured if you are living apart and still have common ground, what’s the point in divorcing? It’s only going to cost you a load of money and it’s another huge axe wielded over everything you had. It’s an admission of failure and potentially wasted years with the wrong person. My generation still believe there is a stigma attached to divorce and are aware of the effects on the children. There’s a sense that a lot of harm can be caused by the process.” Christine Ilford, 41, an artist, and her partner, Adam, 37, a graphic designer, lived separately under the same roof for more than three years before he moved out last summer. “We’d bought near the top of the market and had this huge mortgage that was much more than the value of the house. We couldn’t afford to move on,” she says. “I wanted a conventional relationship, a house and baby. It wasn’t what he wanted, but I still loved him and didn’t want to let go.” Fearing if she left it any longer she’d miss her chance, Christine froze her eggs without telling Adam; he was mortified. After three years, he moved out. He still returns twice a week to see their dogs. “I think, in the end, the financial situation was an excuse to stay together,” says Christine now. “I still lie to him if I go on a date.” In my own undivorced marriage, the dating rules are far from clear. There’s a tacit understanding that we both see other people. But I still feel guilty for staying out for the night, I don’t bring men home, and we have agreed not to introduce a third party for at least a year. The psychologist Dorothy Rowe is sceptical. “In the 1960s and 1970s a number of people took up the gospel of an open marriage,” she says. “They called themselves husband and wife but openly had affairs. Those marriages were a disaster because it doesn’t matter how noble you want to be, we still get jealous; it’s a primary emotion. Jealousy is a terrible thing and can be very painful.” She’s right: my husband was furious when he found out I’d been on a dating site, and the thought of seeing him with someone else makes me feel physically sick. Rowe has little time for undivorce. “Either stay together, or live separately,” she says firmly. “If you’re still tied to one another you are not a free person. Half-way solutions throw up more problems than they solve.” Lloyd Platt adds that a long separation is dangerous emotionally: “It can give false hopes, when realistically if a man says he needs space, 99 per cent of the time he’s not coming back.” As for the children, they should be told as close to the truth as possible, says Dr Jennifer Leonard, a chartered psychologist who runs UK Parent Coaching. “Say something simple, without going into the details, like: 'Mummy and daddy still care about each other, but they have decided not to be together any more.’ They will be upset, but they tend to bounce back quickly.” Rowe agrees: “Parents assume the children don’t know. They do, but they are waiting to be told.” She has a point. My children know something is going on. Last week when I was driving them to school, I was testing my 10-year-old on her vocabulary. One of the words was nostalgia. My seven-year-old piped up: “That’s like when I would come into your room and you and daddy were in bed together and I would sit on the bed. I’m sad we don’t do that any more.” Long separations can make divorce harder. Lloyd Platt sees women who fall apart after 10 years’ separation when their husband finally demands a divorce. “They collapse because the image they’ve created around them is suddenly gone, and instead of building their defence mechanisms and confidence, they’ve been relying on a dream.” This ostrich approach can create legal and financial problems, too. After three years apart, a married couple no longer has the same stake in assets accrued during the separation period. Lloyd Platt says a separation should not drag on beyond a year-and-a-half at most, and couples should work with a family therapist. For Rowe, the growing number of limbo-marriages and half-hearted separations are a symptom of a modern malaise. “People are a bit too comfortable. At the back of their minds they feel they can still have everything. But the basic thing is, you can’t. You can’t get through this without some kind of suffering.” For my part the decision not to get divorced is certainly an avoidance strategy. I don’t want to dig over all that painful stuff yet again. And now that the anger has dissipated and I see my husband with the children – he is far more involved than ever before – I think: “Why are we doing this?” Like my son, I remember the good times and feel sad. “It’s a nostalgia for the past that keeps people stuck in all sorts of unpleasant situations. But you are not confronting the truth about life,” says Rowe. “You could create a good but different kind of relationship, but you can’t go back. It won’t ever be the same.”